Wednesday, 30 November 2011


My head is rather closed down right now; I've got the old grey static charge on all my nerve endings, hence the lack of eloquence. But anyway, Onwards!

Livejournal really wasn't the place for me. I'm not sure I actually know what is the right place for me, but it's good to add to the list of definite nots every now and then; makes me feel more comfortable about things.

There's not a huge amount to say about it really. Livejournal is fundamentally a community-based bit of blogging infrastructure - really supporting conversation threads and cross-post/user discussions. Basically, it's for people who like to, and are able to, talk to other people. I'm not very good at that. Moreover, the livejournal etiquette that has built up reinforces this - with replies to comments, made feasible by the very-powerful threaded comment system, considered a sort ofexpected politeness, amongst other things. Again, I'm not very good at this - mainly because I'm instantly embarrased by everything I ever say, although also because at the time I was using LJ I was even more unsure of myself and also naive enough that I let myself get drawn into internet arguments. (Another thing that the threaded comment system is very good at is drawing out and fuelling wank.)

A lot of different communities use Livejournal, but the main one I suppose that I would have been a part of is sci-fi/fantasy fandom. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at being part of fandom, because I don't really want to know what other people think about my favourite stories and worlds. This isn't because I don't think that their thoughts are valid - it's because I often find that, unless I'm talking to someone I already like, or rather, I'm talking to a single person or a small group of people, the vast mass of interpretation threatens to overwhelm my own. I find fandom is often a tyranny of people telling you that their view is correct, and it can be worse when those people are at the same time telling you that you shouldn't take the author's word on what is correct as correct. I just don't have the energy; I'm a fan of things because I can't help being a fan of them, and because they provide me with enjoyment. I really don't need anymore stress or opportunities to think that it would be better, or at least wouldn't change the world, if I didn't really exist.

So basically, I ended up using LJ as a place to make random, sporadic, unfocused and bitter blog posts (as opposed to this blog, which is at least focused as well as being, despite some appearances, an attempt to at the very least challenge my bitterness and other confidence issues), as well as harrass a few writers I really admire who are on there - not out of malice, but out of lack of confidence in myself, and lack of understanding of the medium and out of not being very good at talking to people. So, yeah: for all of the above, and to anyone I freaked out or was a dick to, I really do apologise.

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